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yoga
October 2007 
Discovering me in Thailand #1: The Miscarriage
Posted on Apr 25th, 2007
by 
Em
Em
So as I sat on the beach looking out at paradise I got to thinking about my lost one.
When I miscarried I wanted the a huge hole to open before me a gulp me down, never to re-emerge. I cried, god did I cry. I screamed, shouted and simply wore myself down. Dealing with my grief was tiring and no matter how hard I tried I had no energy to support my husband with his grief (he really was my rock).
The question 'why?' always was in the back of my mind.
I was miles away from home, wanted my mum, but didn't want my mum.
I took several days off work, staying at home not venturing anywhere. If I ventured out I knew I 'd see babies and I simply couldn't handle it.
The few clothes we bought I packed away. They remain in a bag in a cupboard. Never thought of giving them away - so maybe way back then in my darkest moments I had some hope of a baby in the future.
August comes and goes - our wee one would have been a summer baby. We always light a candle on the due date. It's never marked on the calender, but will be forever etched in our minds.
Most of my friends back home have children, even the ones who when at school said they never wanted them.
So as I went remembered all I went through following that horrendous time and cried I looked at where I was now.
To this day my marriage is rock solid. I adore my husband. He has seen me at my worse, at my nastiness, at my suicidal and he takes it all in and sees the positive in me all the time.
I totally changed my life. In every aspect. All for the better.
I am healthy.
I have a great life. Not materialistic in any way. Phil and I lead our lives the way we want to lead them and it's great.
I realized you have to go though some real s**t times to get to the good. It makes you stronger. Makes you appreciate all that you have and you learn not to take anyone or anything for granted.
I will never forget that dreadful time and neither will Phil, but we have learned to let go a little and believe it happened for a reason.
For a long time I convinced myself that I was never going to have a child. Now I do believe one day I will be a mum.
When I miscarried I wanted the a huge hole to open before me a gulp me down, never to re-emerge. I cried, god did I cry. I screamed, shouted and simply wore myself down. Dealing with my grief was tiring and no matter how hard I tried I had no energy to support my husband with his grief (he really was my rock).
The question 'why?' always was in the back of my mind.
I was miles away from home, wanted my mum, but didn't want my mum.
I took several days off work, staying at home not venturing anywhere. If I ventured out I knew I 'd see babies and I simply couldn't handle it.
The few clothes we bought I packed away. They remain in a bag in a cupboard. Never thought of giving them away - so maybe way back then in my darkest moments I had some hope of a baby in the future.
August comes and goes - our wee one would have been a summer baby. We always light a candle on the due date. It's never marked on the calender, but will be forever etched in our minds.
Most of my friends back home have children, even the ones who when at school said they never wanted them.
So as I went remembered all I went through following that horrendous time and cried I looked at where I was now.
To this day my marriage is rock solid. I adore my husband. He has seen me at my worse, at my nastiness, at my suicidal and he takes it all in and sees the positive in me all the time.
I totally changed my life. In every aspect. All for the better.
I am healthy.
I have a great life. Not materialistic in any way. Phil and I lead our lives the way we want to lead them and it's great.
I realized you have to go though some real s**t times to get to the good. It makes you stronger. Makes you appreciate all that you have and you learn not to take anyone or anything for granted.
I will never forget that dreadful time and neither will Phil, but we have learned to let go a little and believe it happened for a reason.
For a long time I convinced myself that I was never going to have a child. Now I do believe one day I will be a mum.
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